What They Don’t Tell You About Self Love

For years I had heard this statement, “You have to love yourself first.” Year after year, hearing the same sentence, and knowing that somehow that must be true, only to be stuck with a growing frustration about what this meant and how to do it. You see, for me, this felt like when someone tells you that something is right in front of you face but you cannot, for the life of you, see it.

Imagine a huge white wall with a white door and no seams or handle. Finding the door is seemingly impossible, yet people keep telling you it is there, all your self-worth and your consciousness of it are there behind that door, just waiting for you to open it.

Uh.. yeah…right.

Just the same, I could sense that they were right, because the symptoms were there…

I had suffered through many difficult relationships and did not take responsibility for my part in that suffering. I had put the priorities of others above mine, often then playing the victim when I felt taken advantage of. I chose partners who fed into this dynamic upholding this pattern of “sacrificing myself”. I cared way too much of what others thought of me, leaving me open to predators or manipulators.

I gave away my power and my identity, of course, expecting love or affection in return. When I did not get it, I was disillusioned, angry and often ashamed. The fact that I did not receive love in return for this behavior reinforced my sense of not being worthy of love and brought me to very dark places.

Even when I was aware of this behavior and took responsibility for it, I was still baffled about how to get to the point where I had a healthy love and respect for myself. If I was aware of these behaviors, why did I keep repeating them?

All the while, the same message kept creeping back in: “You have to love yourself,” “You cannot love others until you love yourself,” and so on. And the message came with this subtext that it is really that easy. Just look at yourself in the mirror every morning and say, “I love you!” After a while, you’ll get used to it and magically you will love yourself.

Apart from this sounding silly to me, these types of solutions just made me more frustrated because I thought that if it is that easy, why aren’t we all just beaming with self-love? To add insult to injury, friends and family generously expressed their admiration and love for me, yet I still couldn’t see it for myself. Because the truth is, it is not that easy.

Loving yourself is not a light switch that you can turn on and off. It does not follow the logic of your mother’s eternal compliments. It is a process which involves work, attention and courage. I don’t have the answer for everyone but I will share a few things that helped me finally be able to open that white door on the white wall.

Step 1

Observation: I observed and recognized the behaviors on the surface that were causing me suffering without judging myself.

Through the practice of mindfulness I learned to observe my my thoughts, emotions and bodily reactions to different events in my daily life. I began to detect patterns and automatic reactions that I had to people and situations. I noticed my thought patterns, ie. going over and over a situation or problem — what I said, what I did not say, what I should have said, etc. Perhaps the most powerful aspect being the attention to my body.

The body never lies and when we are feeling threatened or altered by a situation, we inevitably have a bodily reaction. For example, sometimes I would catch myself giving in to someone or doing things that I did not really want to do, out of fear of disappointing them. Although it was too late to respond differently, I could notice that my body had already been hard at work, warning me with a stiff neck or a contraction in my chest or some other physical sign. As I got better at this, I was able to notice the body’s signals before reacting.

In mindfulness practice, while you observe you can label what you perceive. I would say to myself, “I just placed so-and-so’s needs before mine, ” or “I just said yes to going to dinner, but I really don’t want to go,” etc. It is key to maintain a non-judgmental attitude while doing this, so as to not fall into the trap of making yourself then feel bad about your behaviors or reactions.

It became sort of like a game for me. Observing this with an attitude of non-judging and curiosity actually opened a space for a sense of humor and compassion towards myself, the first step towards self-love.

Step 2

Introspection: I looked beneath the behaviors I had observed to uncover the programs and limiting beliefs that caused them.

One of my mindfulness teachers once asked me a very powerful question: What do you do to keep your parents happy? We are not talking about cleaning the dishes or helping out around the house. The question is: Who are you still pretending to be, so as to your parents happy and receive their love?

The answer to this question resides in our youth, when we developed masks that helped us “survive”. Indeed, we needed these masks and some were perhaps much heavier than others.

Some of us always did what our parents wanted, so as not to upset them. Or maybe our mask was to cause a little trouble in order to get the attention we needed as a child. Our masks then followed us into our adult lives and keep us chained to our outdated behaviors. When we don’t get the result we expected (love, affection, etc.), we experience suffering.

If pleasing your parents was how you thought you would earn their love when you were little, then perhaps now, as an adult, seeking approval from your spouse, friends, workmates, etc. is your first line of defense to ensure their love or attention. Or, perhaps you “kept your parents happy” by overachieving and showing them your worth by getting the best grades, position on the football team or the lead in the play. Perhaps today your mask rears its head by showing off or demonstrating your abilities to others, with the false belief that their love for you depends on your ability to achieve.

These are limiting beliefs that we are often not even aware of, and the mask they have helped us create gets heavier and heavier as we advance through life. It takes courage to look at these masks and admit to ourselves that we have them, that we no longer need them and that we have been behaving based on a limiting and erroneous belief about who we are and how to earn love and affection.

When you finally put down the mask, even if for a few minutes, you realize that there is something else there… an essence of you, a true you. You may even feel sadness because you are also releasing the person you thought you were. Guilt or regret may arise when you realize that you have, in a way, been living a lie for years.

Thankfully, on the other side of that coin is relief. You have come home. It may be hard to see this “original” self clearly, but it is enough just to sense that your own authentic existence is there.

Who are you, then, if you are not the mask you have been wearing since childhood?

Step 3

Acceptance and Integration: When I became aware of my essence, this being who existed behind the mask, I felt that a whole world of possibility had opened up to me.

After the initial shock (and mourning) of realizing that I had been living a feigned existence, I became excited to see that there was now a person there who I could get to know. I was no longer trapped and obligated by an outdated mask and outdated beliefs. I could choose who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be.

Then, like the snowball effect, I started listening to myself more, respecting my true desires and wishes. It gets easier to recognize and differentiate between what is really a genuine and authentic reaction from what is an old habit or pattern. Mindfulness and meditation helped me through this process particularly since there is an element of compassion involved.

Non-judging, non-striving, beginners mind… these attitudes of Mindfulness became the fertile ground where I could take a realistic look at myself and essentially re-educate myself (some would say, re-program) by accepting who I have been up until that point and integrating all my masks and behaviors (not rejecting them), yet letting them also rest or fall away, if I may, and allow my true nature to surface, as is.

Through observation, introspection and acceptance I had found the seam of the white door and was able to then open it. Perhaps loving oneself is so difficult because what we are trying to love first is our mask or the version of ourselves that contributes to our suffering, the same version of ourselves that we sometimes cannot stand. I needed to recognize this mask, accept it and integrate it as part of me before I could even know who I was to love.

This is, of course, a process. Old habits take a while to transform or change. I still work on it every day. The key is to have patience and not force things. By practicing mindfulness and meditation and adopting some of the attitudes of mindfulness, such as non-judging, beginner’s mind, acceptance, non-striving and patience, I was able to do this work in a way that I had not been able to before and begin the process of self-love.

As a final note, I did not do this alone and I do not recommend that anyone do this alone. Doing the work of putting into consciousness who you have been and who you truly are is absolutely rewarding and totally worth it, but not without some moments of fear, sadness, grief or other difficult feelings that must be dealt with. I deeply encourage having a support group to work with, a mindfulness professional, a therapist or someone to support you through the difficult parts of this process.

Once you do get that door open, you’ll never look back.

You Are The Sky

How mindfulness and meditation can help you find balance and authenticity.

Anyone who has flown above the clouds knows that the sun is always shining up there, the sky is clear and warm, no matter what is going on below. With the stress of daily life, our thoughts become the clouds that turn our sky grey and cast shadows on our experience. If we identify ourselves only with those thoughts, we tend to let them rule our being. Our own virtual reality becomes “our story” that we willfully share with anyone who will listen and build up to justify our feelings or opinions. Over time, this “story” can become hardened and difficult to change since our neurons communicate the same messages over and over (you know, the typical grumpy old man) (Tolle, 2006). Neuroscientists say that “neurons that fire together, wire together”. This can work to our advantage or our disadvantage, as we end up identifying ourselves with the image we have created through the repetition of our own thoughts and beliefs; and this can affect our daily lives, our health and our overall wellbeing (Siegel, 2010).

Fortunately, scientists have now proven that our brains are actually “malleable”. This is called neuroplasticity. I won’t go too deeply into this, since you can “Google” the term and find a wealth of information. The main idea is that our brains can change, and at any age. We can make new neural connections and literally change the messages our brains are sending to our bodies and minds. This means that we don’t have to be victims of our thoughts, our circumstances or anyone else’s. The most beautiful thing of all is that each and every one of us can change our brains, without much other than a place to sit and the will to exercise your mind. This is through meditation and mindfulness. It is free, relaxing, healthy and it can change your life.

What is Meditation?

It is one in the morning and you go to bed with the endless thought motor running. Then, at some point we fall asleep to a prelude of past and future excitement, worry, illusion, guilt, fear, resentment, stress… and when we wake up, there it is again, waiting for us like a loyal friend, or more like a pimple, ready to accompany us throughout our day, often adding stress and discontentment, and certainly keeping us from being in the present moment.

Meditation is your ticket out of this dynamic and into a more balanced mental existence; into life in the now.

Imagine that you could take all of that mental chatter, particularly the negative or stressful messages, and crumple it up into a ball in your hands, seeing it from a distance, and call it by its true name: a ball of “thoughts”; and then just let it fall away without judgment. Meditation is a technique to help you do this. If you can recognize your thoughts as something separate from yourself, then that means that you are not your thoughts. If you are not your thoughts, then they do not define you, and therefore do not control you.

This is particularly interesting with any very damaging thoughts of mass destruction that cause suffering in our lives. If you can recognize your thoughts and label them, you start putting them into consciousness and allow yourself the space to see them for what they are, just thoughts. Within that space, we then have an opportunity to respond instead of react, to catch our automatic thinking patterns in the moment and decide where we go from there. This is how you start changing those connections in your brain.

With meditation, you can learn simple exercises to recognize each thought (the cloud) for what it is, acknowledge it, let it go and return back to your true essence (the sky), which is pure beauty and beyond any limits of verbal definition. Letting those thoughts float by, without getting involved in them, allows you to avoid being carried away and to stop the pattern that is forming these negative connections. This is a repetitive exercise, recognizing the thought for what it is by labelling it, letting it go and then going back to a constant objective focus (normally your own breath). Soon the thoughts lessen and silence grows and you are able to see clearly, like when dirt settles to the bottom of a pond and you can finally see to the bottom. Meditation teaches you to be present, allows you the clarity to find your true self and to have an expanded vision of the world around you.

What is happening, then, physiologically? One effect of meditation is that it helps create new connections in your brain. These are healthier connections that “wire together” and help keep your sympathetic nervous system in check. The sympathetic nervous system controls our reaction to fear or stress, and puts us into a “fight” mode or a “flight” mode. This is great when we are about to be run over by a bus, but not so great when it is set off by something trivial or minor, for example, causing us to lash out at someone who “offends” us or stutter and freeze up while giving a speech. Meditation helps you and your brain become conscious and aware of the difference between real fear (which is necessary to keep us out of danger) and an exaggerated fearful response to something that is not truly life threatening. Over time, this results in a more equanimous state of mind in which life’s ups and downs, great or small, each have their own balanced response (Siegel, 2010).

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness includes two types of practices: the formal practice of meditation and the informal practice in which we activate our awareness in a specific way in everyday situations. In the daily informal practice, our attention is placed on our thoughts, emotions and on the body in the present moment. The observer we all have inside us is activated, bringing into awareness not only what is happening in that moment but also the thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations that arise. As we practice, we begin to recognize the automatic reactions we have, which often stem from fears, learned behaviors or insecurities. We can learn a lot about ourselves and even discover the some of the underlying causes of our own unhappiness in these reactions. This awareness of what is going on outside of us and inside of us creates a space which allows us to see a more realistic picture and to choose our response to the situation rather than be a victim of our automatic reactions.

This space created and our ability to choose our responses to our life events provide the opportunity for us to live an authentic existence where our true essence can emerge. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Both meditation and mindfulness bring about compassion, kindness, equanimity, release of the egoic mind, improved immune system, reduced stress and many more enriching effects.

Practicing meditation even just 10 minutes per day can change your mind and your life. Physically you will create new connections in your brain and enhance your ability to discern what is real, and what is just a story we are creating about reality. Emotionally, you will find more balance and stress reduction. You will start to notice that your reactions to life’s daily happenings have become chosen responses. Daily informal mindfulness practice brings new light to old behaviors and situations. You may even feel like you see others and their reactions to things in a completely different way, recognizing then, when you or they are letting their “story” take control.

After some time meditating, you start to realize that you are the sky and no matter what the weather down below, you remain a peaceful unaltered witness.

Bibliography

Siegel, Daniel J. The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. New York: Guilford, 1999. Print.

Siegel, Daniel J. Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation. New York: Bantam, 2010. Print.

Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. New York: Plume, 2006. Print.

S.T.O.P. – An Easy 10-second Practice

Often we go about our daily routine without paying much attention to how we feel physically and emotionally. We go through the motions and then wonder why we are so tired, worn out or even angry by the end of the day. Just a few moments of conscious awareness can change our whole experience. One very well-known mindfulness practice is S.T.O.P:

Stop and notice how you are breathing. Is your breath shallow or deep?

Take a few slower deep breaths (into the belly). This reduces anxiety by communicating to our brains that we are not in extreme danger, since when we are panicked we usually breathe quickly and higher up in the chest. Observe your thoughts. What is going through your mind at the moment?

Observe your body, mind and emotions. Are you carrying stress in your shoulders or back? Are you hunched over or flexing a muscle you don’t need to flex? Do you have any aches? Observe your feelings and emotions at this moment. Are you happy, sad, frustrated, angry, etc.?

Proceed with whatever you were doing, but keep this sense of conscious awareness alive in you. It is a great way to stay present throughout the day.

When doing this exercise, sometimes we catch ourselves reacting to a situation, feeling stress or anxiety or even stronger feelings that we were unaware of since we were on “autopilot”. By observing these thoughts, sensations and emotions, without judging ourselves, we can see where there is a lack of coherence between what we are really experiencing and how we feel, think or react to it. For example, perhaps our body is tense in the shoulders yet there is no real reason for this in this at this moment. We are surely anxious about something past or future, which is manifesting as tense shoulders, but in reality, tensing our shoulders is doing nothing to help us, so we can release that tension.

It is important to observe anything that arises with curiosity and without judging. Just name what it is and move on. Doing this various times throughout the day will not only help to keep you in the present moment, it will also help you know yourself better and increase coherency between reality and your physical, emotional and mental responses to it.